I'm still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah)

So far there have been at least 3 attempts on my life involving the use of food. I thought at first that there were actually 4, but it turns out Pizza Hut is supposed to taste like that.

The first time was when I was a little kid, and my mother used chicken pot pie as her weapon. I told her in no uncertain terms that I knew what she was up to and that if forced to consume the chicken pot death pie, I would throw it up. She didn't waver so I reluctantly took a bite. As promised, within seconds I ran to the kitchen sink and threw it up. Attempt #1: Foiled.

The second time was a couple years ago, and this time the culprit was my sister. She kindly offered to cook me dinner-Pasta Roni. I gladly accepted. 'That's really sweet of her!' I thought. Little did I know her only goal was to see me dead. After a few bites of the angel hair pasta of doom, I knew. "This tastes funny," I said. She told me to suck it up. I kept eating. Then I started feeling sick and decided to take matters into my own hands. I grabbed the box out of the garbage and noticed it had expired approximately a year and a half earlier. Attempt #2: Foiled.

The third time was last night, and this time an entire crime family tried to take me down at a pizza buffet. I went out to eat with Scott and his family, and like a true gentleman Scott paid for my meal. That should've tipped me off right there. "Oh no, Sarah, I'll get this-since it will be your LAST MEAL EVER!!!" Like an idiot, I left my food unattended while I went up to get us drinks. What a rookie mistake. It was at that time that the youngest one took the opportunity to poison my food. Already at 6 months he is the most dangerous one of the family. Later on that night we played volleyball, and Scott subbed for us-no doubt on the orders of the youngest one to make sure I was "taken care of". I started to feel sick during the first game, but I just let it go. Then slowly it started to feel like someone was reaching into my chest and literally squeezing the life out of my heart. I had to lie down. Eventually the pain turned to nausea, and I threw up. I felt great after that, but that was only the beginning. The heart-squeezing started again. Then turned to nausea again. The cycle continued for a couple hours, and now this morning my chest is sore, and I have one of the worst headaches I've ever experienced. But I'm still alive. Nice try, Scott's family! Attempt #3: Foiled.