Thursday, February 17, 2005

I'm still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah)

So far there have been at least 3 attempts on my life involving the use of food. I thought at first that there were actually 4, but it turns out Pizza Hut is supposed to taste like that.

The first time was when I was a little kid, and my mother used chicken pot pie as her weapon. I told her in no uncertain terms that I knew what she was up to and that if forced to consume the chicken pot death pie, I would throw it up. She didn't waver so I reluctantly took a bite. As promised, within seconds I ran to the kitchen sink and threw it up. Attempt #1: Foiled.

The second time was a couple years ago, and this time the culprit was my sister. She kindly offered to cook me dinner-Pasta Roni. I gladly accepted. 'That's really sweet of her!' I thought. Little did I know her only goal was to see me dead. After a few bites of the angel hair pasta of doom, I knew. "This tastes funny," I said. She told me to suck it up. I kept eating. Then I started feeling sick and decided to take matters into my own hands. I grabbed the box out of the garbage and noticed it had expired approximately a year and a half earlier. Attempt #2: Foiled.

The third time was last night, and this time an entire crime family tried to take me down at a pizza buffet. I went out to eat with Scott and his family, and like a true gentleman Scott paid for my meal. That should've tipped me off right there. "Oh no, Sarah, I'll get this-since it will be your LAST MEAL EVER!!!" Like an idiot, I left my food unattended while I went up to get us drinks. What a rookie mistake. It was at that time that the youngest one took the opportunity to poison my food. Already at 6 months he is the most dangerous one of the family. Later on that night we played volleyball, and Scott subbed for us-no doubt on the orders of the youngest one to make sure I was "taken care of". I started to feel sick during the first game, but I just let it go. Then slowly it started to feel like someone was reaching into my chest and literally squeezing the life out of my heart. I had to lie down. Eventually the pain turned to nausea, and I threw up. I felt great after that, but that was only the beginning. The heart-squeezing started again. Then turned to nausea again. The cycle continued for a couple hours, and now this morning my chest is sore, and I have one of the worst headaches I've ever experienced. But I'm still alive. Nice try, Scott's family! Attempt #3: Foiled.

11 comments:

Scott said...

Tip to all would-be assassins. Sarah has apparently built up an immunity to Iocane powder. dammit!

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

In-con-ceiveable!
Sorry, can't resist the Princess Bride quote there.

Okapi said...

Get well soon. Perhaps you could hire a food taster? They are plainly out to get you.

Matt said...

Sarah, I would just like to say I'm sorry for your misfortunes, and thank you for finding so much humor in them. After a really crappy morning (I was about two seconds from going completely Office Space on a printer) your website once again made me laugh to the point my face hurt. Hurry up and get better so I can try to poison you again with whatever food I bring Saturday!

Sarah said...

Bring it on, Matty. Clearly I am a master at avoiding death by food. I am up for the challenge. Actually I probably will be puking on Saturday but from alcohol-not food.

Matt said...

That's the winning spirit! Fun till there's no more fun to be had! I think I'm going to start a petition for an amendment that requires afternoon nap time.

Mandy said...

WE have developed the cure to food poisoning in Myrtle Beach Week, Home of the Spring break Beach Party

Sarah said...

Hey, "Mandy"-I probably will go to Myrtle Beach for spring break since I graduated from college 6 years ago and still, in fact, get a spring break. Get off my site with your blog-spamming.

Golightly said...

Ugh I hate blog-spammers.

Hope you feel better

danielle said...

blasphemous. the blog spammers have zero sensitivity. you were like dying and they were like, hey you should totally read myrtle beach weekly and spring break beach party weekly and stuff. like my friend christopher would always say, that's a hell of shit.

Erik with a K said...

Holy Shit, blog spammers from Myrtle Beach...well let me tell you, I will have a full report on that redneck-laden, crack-smoking, schlock-peddling, ass-stanking place and if you can't already tell... IT AIN'T PURTY!

My parents are too cheap to make it to Florida, and who suffers? Me, that's who. Me suffers! Damnit