I'm going to attempt to keep my Bachelorette comments brief and just say this: Jen, you're a moron. I can no longer support you in your endeavor to find true love in 4 weeks on a reality television show. Any man who was sweet and genuine has been dealt with swiftly and severely by you until all that is left is a two named, non-sock-wearing Don Johnson wannabe and a monotone, humorless reality-television-star-obsessed snoozefest. After you kicked Ryan off tonight, Diane turned to me and said, "She is going to be alone forever." I love you, Jen, but you need to work on your screening process. Seriously.
With that out of the way, I would just like to thank Diane, Steph, Jace, Christy and Gordo for dragging me out to the bar tonight to have a drink. It made this day so much easier for me, and next year I will be able to say, "Last Valentine's Day was fun." I will also be able to say, "Jace punched me in my no-no spot like 12 times." and "I think I can still see Steph's assprint on the front window." and "Did Christy ever get charged with sexually assaulting that barstool?" I love you guys.