Thursday, February 03, 2005

Movin' on up

For those of you who don't know, on Saturday I signed a contract for a condo. Well, it's technically an attached cluster home because I will own the land, but you better believe I won't be sowing it or tilling it or whatever the hell you do with land. Someone does all of that for you. Plus a man will plow my driveway for a fee, and I mean that in the most literal sense, you sickos. If I was being perverted I would've used quotes, like "plow my driveway".

Anyway, I will be building it which is great because I get to pick out all my own stuff like cabinets, flooring, carpet, etc, and also because everything will be brand spanking new.

I have been extremely lucky as far as the places I have lived in since graduating from college. The first place I lived in after college was great because it was free, and I didn't have to make my own meals. But the landlords did tell me to wear a jacket a lot and to call them if I thought I was going to be really late. My parents are really tough that way. Then I moved to Lakewood with a couple girlfriends to a terrific apartment. I was there for 3 and a half years. The last year and a half was spent mostly in my room on the phone with B. Then B moved here last April, and we got a place a few streets away, and you all know what happened 8 months later (abandoning bastard). This apartment is also great, and I enjoy living here with my roommate...I mean TV. With both this apartment and the last, I have been honestly blessed with the greatest landlords known to western civilization. They are unbelievably nice and care about me as a person, and I just couldn't ask for more.

That being said, now that I know I am buying a brand new place, everything that used to be kind of annoying is now the biggest most horrible inconvenience on Earth, and I am going to lose my mind if I have to stay here one more second.

1. Vinyl flooring. I am so sick of effing vinyl flooring. It peels up, people! My new place comes with vinyl flooring, but I am totally upgrading that shit to ceramic tile. I don't care how much it costs. I am absolutely willing to whore myself out to earn money for tile.

2. Refrigerator. The history timeline of refrigeration goes like this: keeping stuff in a cave --> ice chest --> my fridge. I can't believe it is even safe to own a refrigerator this old. The one drawer it has is very useful because when I put stuff in it, it falls out. The top shelf holds like a whole quart of milk. The rest of the space is being used by the world's largest light bulb. Seriously. I'm thinking about selling tickets to tourists to come and see it. Does anyone know how I can get it into an AAA book as a recommended roadside stop?

3. No garage. I cannot even begin to describe how awful it is to not have a garage in the middle of winter in Cleveland. I need a dogsled just to get to my car in the morning, and then I need to sit in my car for a half hour waiting for it to thaw so I can see to drive. Sometimes I don't wait, and I try to do that thing where you have one little patch of clear space in the bottom left hand corner of the windshield, and you contort your body just to see out of it then you get in a car accident and the airbag snaps your neck in two because your head is directly in front of it instead of where it should be.

4. Living upstairs. I live upstairs because Mr. HatesLeavingHisGirlfriend wanted to, and now I have to make 37 trips up the stairs anytime I go grocery shopping not to mention hop on my dogsled each time I head back to my car or head from my car back to the house.

5. No air conditioning. Do I really have to elaborate on this?

When I get my new place, you're all invited over for drinks. And maybe we'll throw stuff at Danielle.

P.S. I don't really like to be serious about stuff, but this is important. Go to this site: and sign a petition to pass the Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act which will require insurance companies to cover a minimum 48-hour hospital stay for patients undergoing a mastectomy. It's about eliminating the "drive-through mastectomy" where women are forced to go home hours after surgery against the wishes of their doctor, still groggy from anesthesia and sometimes with drainage tubes still attached. It will only take you 2 seconds to do this so do it!

If hearing about drainage tubes still being attached to someone's body doesn't force you to take action then you are dead inside.


John said...

I'll "plow your back porch" for ya.

Sarah said...


slcup said...

For the most part, I love where I live. It's an old, historic building in downtown SLC called "The Swallow". Yup. The only down side are my upstairs neighbors: Rhythmless Noisy Humpers. Gotta love 'em. Congrats on your new home!
urban princess

danielle said...

this is amazing news, hor. i can't wait to break into your new place and drink all of the MGD you'll have stocked in your gigantic refrigerator. looks like you'll have a clean back porch you got that goin for ya.

Johnny Virgil said...

I'm not sure I could live in anything called a cluster home.

Sarah said...

Probably not, JV-there isn't enough lawn for squatters.

Erik with a K said...

That's awesome news, now you get the joys of home ownership, yet without all the muss and fuss.

You'll have to invite me over because I wanna see the hor come and drink all your MGD

"AG" said...

I found your blog through a link on Erik with K's blog which I found while randomly surfing blogs while procrastinating. Anyway, your blog rocks! And congrats on the home ownership!

Erik with a K said...

See! See the traffic I can bring with me? Plus your blog is funnier than mine so people come for the Erik, but stay for the Sarah.

Which sounds vaguely gross...