Letters for March 30th

Dear Blogger,
Kudos on your effort to try and rid the Internet of me this morning, but your little plan didn't work. The people were outraged and a coup was staged. And yes that is just a fancy way of saying that I was outraged and sent you an email asking you why my blog was missing. But even though you tried to keep me down, I rose above and triumphantly returned. How would the world have continued on without my observations on bad drivers and Salt & Vinegar Pringles? I mean seriously, Blogger, I am really important, and I speak about the issues that concern all of us (The Bachelorette, alcohol and Thin Mints to name a few). Let's just get one thing straight: I will not be oppressed!!

Dear Guy Driving in Front of Me This Morning,
I can certainly appreciate why you would not want to drive over potholes. And I am aware that in Lakewood there is a pothole roughly every 20 yards. However, if you actually think that you will avoid damage being done to your car by swerving into a) the car next to you or b) oncoming traffic to avoid potholes, I'm afraid you are mistaken. You see, a head-on collision will actually cause more damage to your car than a small pothole. Yes-it's a little known fact but true nonetheless. At any rate quit driving like a goddamn moron because if you get in an accident in front of me I will be really pissed.

Dear Smokers,
I did not mean to offend with my post yesterday. While I do wish for your health's sake that you didn't smoke, I applaud the fact that you are managing to find a way to not work the full 8 hours. I use a lot of creativity to get out of working such as "I need to go across the street to mail something" or "I was doing some banking" or my personal favorite "I was talking to my dad" (he works in the same building as me). I didn't mean to imply that you guys were lazy or that I was mad that you took breaks. All I was saying is that I want in...just without having to smoke. Also you should quit because it's bad for you. Instead you should drink a lot of alcohol.

Dear Ladies with Big-Ass Hair,
We need to discuss your seating choices at movies, concerts, plays, etc. Let me just set the stage here: last night we went to a concert (I will refrain from saying which concert so as to avoid losing readers), and one of you was sitting in front of us. Her hair somehow managed to block the view of no less than 4 adults, 3 of whom are 5'8" or taller. More surprising is the fact that she was sitting down, and we were standing. I don't even know how that is possible, but it happened. At one point Diane was so frustrated she blew on her, but all that resulted in was her fluffing up her hair more. So here is what I'm proposing: if you have big hair* and you are planning a night at a venue where it is possible you could be sitting in front of other people, please do one of following things:

1. Move your hairstyle into this decade. Your club member at the concert last night had the hairstyle that my friend Meg described so eloquently as "the same hairstyle my mom had in '83". If your hair is from this decade and is just plain big or you refuse to leave the 80's behind, then...

2. Sit in the back. No-I'm not kidding. And if you simply cannot sit in the back...

3. Bring a hair tie. And before you accuse me of tossing out judgements (which I never ever do), I should tell you that I, myself, can have "mushroomy" hair if the necessary precautions are not taken and proper control is not maintained. However, if that situation should arise, I always have a hair tie with me. It is just common courtesy.

*If you aren't sure, ask a trusted friend or hairdresser.