Monday, March 07, 2005

A note to Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,

I watched an inordinate amount of movies this weekend due to feeling sick because this effing surgery is messing with my entire insides. Anyway after all this "research", I have a few suggestions for you because clearly you need my help.

1. Stop putting Tara Reid in movies. Immediately. If she is currently filming something, shut down production until she has been escorted away from the premises and away from people who can hear her voice or see her face. She is horrible. She's semi-cute in a coked-out skankified way, but she is the worst thing to happen to the movies since "Eyes Wide Shut". If you are worried about replacing her, here are a few comparable substitutes:

  • a Barbie doll

  • a wooden marionette

  • a popsicle stick

2. If you are going to put Matthew McConnaughey in a movie he should always have his shirt off. I don't care if it's inappropriate for the scene or the time period or whatever. Take it off.

3. Sometimes I can figure out who the bad guy is just because of the actor playing him. For example, if J.T. Walsh is in it, he's bad. If Gary Oldman is in it, he's bad. Same with Keifer Sutherland (this does not hold true for his television roles because on television he is the bravest hero of all time) or his dad Donald. All I'm saying is maybe sometimes you can make Ron Rifkin a good guy. Mix it up every once in a while so I'm not always figuring everything out in the first 5 minutes.

4. Thank you so much for putting Bruce Willis back into a role where he is the badass hero who will take matters into his own hands and do anything it takes to save lives, and I mean anything because the rules, well, they don't apply to him. That is what he should always be doing all the time because he is awesome. Oh also, I see you guys are doing "Die Hard 4.0", and I just want to say: awesome.

5. I've decided Ryan Reynolds should be in every movie, but at the same time he should also be my husband till death do us part. Seriously look at this.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read my initial set of suggestions. I have many more, but I don't want to overwhelm you at this time. I know reading is hard for you. Until next time....Hasta la vista, baby. Hahaha-that's just a little movie humor for you. Stay sweet.

Your friend,


Johnny Virgil said...

I'm with you on the tara reid thing. And she is no longer cute, not even in a skankified, coked-out way.

swimwhit23 said...

Dear Sarah and Johnny Virgil, This is Tara. I am so pissed that you two would say those bad things about me. Wow, deny a couple close friends a three-way and the claws come out. Gotta go...lines waiting...

Hugh Janus said...

Tara Reid isn't even semi-cute.

And for whatever reason, (apparently that I'm gay) the Ryan Reynolds link in your blog was the only one I clicked on. (That's the picture from Men's Health magazine that I referred Danielle to after she was talking about Ryan Reynolds' man-butt.)

And the more that I think about it, Men's Health is kind of akin to Playgirl because there is no reason there should be shirtless guys in there unless they are showing me some pain-free way to pierce my nipples.

Did I not get the memo that that Men's Health is a gay magazine? Is the joke on me?

Johnny Virgil said...

HJ - It's a total gay mag. They even took some heat a few years back about some of the model's poses.

Hugh Janus said...

I thought some of those bend over and firmly grasp ankles exercises they had me doing seemed a bit suspect.

Hugh Janus said...

...And in one issue, they had some instructor named Lance Bonesteel trying to get me certified in Penetration Testing.

I'm a bit slow on the uptake.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Dear Hollywood,

Stop crapping in my cheerio's with the Vin Deisel movies already.


PS: How about another John Hughes movie, huh? I always thought "16 Candles" could of had a sequel.

Scott said...

Hey! My kid was in Men's Health!! and other than the purse full of flowers he carries sometimes - he shows no signs of being gay (oh and he watches the Wiggles). And likes pink.... he's pretty much gay.