Tuesday, March 15, 2005

This spot reserved

Last night I went to the Strongsville mall. Every time I go there, it's packed. Trying to find a good parking spot is tough. I always turn into the middle aisle and go all the way to the front, hopeful that someone will be leaving at that exact moment, and I will get an awesome spot. So far this trick has worked 0 times. But last night was different. I was slowly driving down the aisle--you know giving all the people parked by the door time to get to their cars and back out for me--then it happened. A car started backing out. It was the 4th spot from the front. Holy crap it actually worked!! I drove up there smiling, whistling, hi-fiving all the imaginary people in my car. I started to pull into the spot when BAM!!!! I'm hit with this: "This spot reserved for expectant women and patrons with strollers."

Are you fucking kidding me?

I can almost-almost-understand expectant women, but only with some kind of qualifier like "expectant women who are in the 3rd trimester". But I'm sorry First Trimester Ladies, your legs aren't broken, and your family and friends probably don't even know you're pregnant yet. Park your shit where everyone else does.

The biggest problem I have is with "patrons with strollers". Patrons with strollers? What? What the hell makes you so special? If anything you should park the furthest back because you don't even have to carry anything! All your bags and kids are strapped into the stroller, and all you have to do is push. But to have 8 out of the 16 prime spots (and 4 others are handicapped)? Well that is total bullshit. The only thing that prevented me from going into the mall last night and knocking over the Avon kiosk in a fit of rage was the fact that "Hangin' Tough" was playing over the loudspeaker.

I propose adding some reserved spots for those who actually need them:

  • This spot reserved for recent organ removal patients.
  • This spot reserved for women with PMS. Seriously don't even think about fucking parking here.
  • This spot reserved for patrons who don't shop at Hollister.
  • This spot reserved for patrons whose parents sing here at Christmas with their adult choral group.
  • This spot reserved for patrons whose stupid-ass abandoning boyfriends left them and broke their heart, and all they want is an effing Orange Julius so just let me park here goddammit!!!

Or just,

  • This spot reserved for Okay Seriously.

8 comments:

"AG" said...

How would they even know if you were "expecting"???

Mall Security: "I'll have to ask you to step aside and pee on this."

It makes no sense.

slcup said...

Holy crap, don't get me started on people with strollers. Here in SLC, aka The World's Baby Factory, stroller-weilding people are everyone, waiting to come up behind you and hit you in the back of the knee. Seriously, back off!
urban princess

Golightly said...

UGH they have those dumb signs here espeically at movie theaters. WTF? Last time I checked I thought it was suggested that pregnant woman walk a lot during pregnancy.
I park at those spots all the time, Julia Roberts made it to 7 months without having a huge bulge in the belly...so I dare some mall cop to question it

Erik with a K said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who got offended by that.

There should also be spots that say "Reserved for single people who know how to shop and not block up traffic with all their diaper bags, self propelled kid carts and Tickle Me Elmos"

Okapi said...

Ha! In this country you have to park approximately 2 miles away from any supermarket due to the endless lines of "Mother and Baby" parking spaces. I suggest "Reserved for the three people in Scotland who haven't spawned yet" spaces.

Anonymous said...

If you are as young and healthy and unencumbered as you indicate, why get so hostile? Why do you NEED to be by the door, or is it just a selfish, me first attitude? You have never been pregnant, never had to deal with strollers, never had a handicap and have no clue what people go through. And you don't care because you are a princess and nobody matters but you. The store is putting in those spots because they want those kinds of people to shop there. They may not want your kind, especially if you are the ones who throw clothes on the floor and are otherwise high maintenence. You definately have a bad attitude in your blog. Cuss away. This is America and you are allowed to do that but almost nobody will respect you for it and they will do stuff to try to keep you away. Maybe you need to spend less time at the mall and get a life. And if you don't want to be attacked, quit attacking!

danielle said...

hmmm... i read your blog because i find your quips to be thoroughly entertaining. i get to laugh/cry/ponder whatever you were feeling in any given bundle of seconds. i also realize that this is a web journal where one can record her very public or private thoughts and feelings on anything she wants since sometimes it just helps to write things down. i suppose you could actually get violent with people and things when life hands you small or large lemons, but i think you're doing okay mrs. okay seriously. you've delivered much entertainment to people all over the world. whether good, bad, happy, or sad, i think you should continue to blog as you do. i'll go blow my cowardly anonymous self if i can't bear to read your posts. (and i can totally imagine how difficult this could be.)

Johnny Virgil said...

No, the store is putting in those spots because somewhere, someone legislated that there has to be X number of reserved spots for every X number of regular spots. That's why we have like 30 handicapped spots at work, and about 2 handicapped people who work there. The other thing is, I think some people who happen to read your blog are what a friend and I used to call "comedically impaired." They don't understand using exaggeration for comedic effect. They think when you say you will "leap over your desk and stab him in the neck," you are just violent, and ill-tempered. They don't understand tongue-in-cheek, because they've got head-in-ass.