Volume 3

I can't sleep. What does that mean for you? You get the list of songs off Volume 3 of my 30th birthday CDs.

Sarah's 30th Volume 3
1. My Hero - Foo Fighters: This song is good on its own merits, but when you put it in the most crucial scene in "Varsity Blues" it becomes epic. I used to drive my college roommates crazy by listening to that movie soundtrack on an endless loop. That and "Every Morning" by Sugar Ray. Dorky sidenote: I saw "Varsity Blues" seven times in the theater. Seven. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years and was in a bad place. I deal with grief by immersing myself in television and movies. I also deal with everyday life that way.

2. Glory of Love - Peter Cetera: Obviously. Come on-Cetera, Ralph Macchio, Miyagi? You can't go wrong. I remember every time this song came on and our babysitter, Kathy, was with us when the ending part would come on and Cetera would break out all his "ooohs" we would go, "I hate this part." And Kathy would say, "Why? You don't like the oooh-ing?" And we would say, "No-because it means the song's over." That story was totally lame and, if it's possible, made me sound like more of a dork, but I really don't care. Interesting sidenote: Kathy gave us Ralph Macchio posters for Christmas one year. Best. Present. Ever.

3. Everyday Love - Rascal Flatts: Dammit I love me some Rascal Flatts. Tied for first place on my list of favorite country bands. I like this song because the words are so sweet. And it's fun to sing along.

4. If She Knew What She Wants - The Bangles: The Bangles are (were?) a terrific band. This is my favorite song by them. I really don't know why, but I absolutely love it. I used to dream about being a Bangle. How cool would it be to be in an all chick band? John, you and me should form an all girl band. Ahahaha-oh yes I did.

5. Learning to Fly - Tom Petty: Tom Petty's a genius. This is my favorite song by him ever. Everytime I go to a bar with a jukebox I play it. One time I discovered that a boy I liked liked me back because we got to the bar, and he played this song for me. It sounds dumb, but it's a nice memory. Tom Petty is...not attractive. But I would still totally do him.

6. Who Am I - Point of Grace: Okay this is a religious song. I don't talk about religion here or anywhere because people who talk about their relgion with other people suck. I'll just say that I love this song because the words are fantastic, and it makes me feel like I matter. Okay let's move on. I'd like to talk to you about Jesus. Just kidding (I love you, Jim Gaffigan!).

7. Do Me - Bell Biv DeVoe: Another religious song. When I bought the Bell Biv DeVoe cassette in junior high, I listened to it for hours every single night for a week until I learned the raps. Oh my God with every post that I write on this blog a new layer of dorkiness is revealed. Sometimes I wonder how it's possible that I even have friends, and then I remember that it's because you guys love Bell Biv DeVoe, too, and you practiced the raps as well and now we are friends forever. I had no fucking idea what "I need a bodybag" meant when I first heard this song. I just figured since it was hip hop it probably meant that someone got shot at one of their shows. Smack it up, flip it, rub it down, oh nooooo!

8. Cool Rider - Michelle Pfeiffer, Grease 2: You guys, when you are an 11 year old girl, and you are watching TV with your dad and then he puts Grease 2 on and says, "Here watch this-you'll like it." and then you watch it and you see singing and dancing and cool girls wearing pink jackets and guys with motorcycles and Michelle Pfeiffer, you are changed...FOREVER. This particular number has Stephanie Zinone (Michelle Pfeiffer) singing to our protagonist Michael, the new dorky, clean cut Australian student who has just asked Stephanie out. Stephanie is explaining to him, through song, that she doesn't want just some ordinary guy, she wants a guy with a motorcyle. A cool rider, if you will. Allow me to share with you some of the lyrics:

"If you really want to know
What I want in a guy...
Well, I'm lookin' for a dream on a mean machine
With hell in his eyes.
I want a devil in skin tight leather
And he's gonna be wild as the wind.
And one fine night
I'll be holdin' on tight...
To a coooool rider, a coooool rider.
If he's cool enough he can burn me through and through.
Whhoa ohhhh
If it takes forever
Then I'll wait forever.
No ordinary boy
No ordinary boy is gonna do.
I want a rider that's cool. "

A devil in skin tight leather? Look Michael, you with your perfect haircut and yellow cardigan just ain't gonna cut it. At the end of the song, feeling Michael is just not getting the point, she goes on to spell it out for him. Literally:

"I want a C-O-O-L R-I-D-E-R.
I need a C-O-O-L R-I-D-E-R."

There are approximately 37 different versions of me and my friends singing this song into my Fisher Price tape recorder.

9. Heaven - DJ Sammy & Yanou: Yes this is the remake club version of the Bryan Adams song. I know it's blasphemy. But this song came out the summer we were doing A LOT of dancing on the roof of Velvet Dog, and we lost our minds every time it came on. Yes-we were those girls. Make fun. I'm not ashamed. I once (twice) made out with a giant wooden totem pole there. Okay for that I'm ashamed. (Not really I'm just saying that for my parents' sake.)

10. Somewhere in Between - Lifehouse: I have this habit of buying CDs based on album covers and band names when I have no idea who they are or what kind of music they sing. This was one of those purchases. I bought the CD like 4 or 5 months before they hit it big. I am awesome. This song is genius. The lyrics couldn't be more honest.

11. Believe it or Not - Joey Scarbury: Oh yes she did put this song on here. Because it's AMAZING! Greatest American Hero! Where is William Katt hanging out these days now that Perry Mason is dead? I think my mom may have dressed up as the Greatest American Hero once for Halloween way back in the early 80s. She had blonde hair and a perm so she was halfway there. For anyone wondering, this is a great ringer to have on your phone.

12. Sweetness - Jimmy Eat World: Honestly one of the best songs ever. The first time I heard this song I lost my mind. It is so great. It just makes you want to jump up and down and fist pump.

13. As Long As You Love Me - Backstreet Boys: I've outed myself as a Backstreet Boys fan in previous posts. Let me just say that when they emerged while I was in college, I resisted them something fierce. I felt they were trying to be the New Kids, and I was not okay with that. Plus I really didn't like their first song. Then they released this one, and I was theirs forever. I'm sorry, but this song is so catchy. And they do a chair dance to it. A chair dance! More dorkiness revealed: I have seen them in concert 4 times.

14. Shake Ya Tailfeather - Nelly, Murphy Lee, P. Diddy: Look, I don't like P. Diddy. At all. But my love for Nelly far outweighs any hatred for Puff Daddy Diddy Changes His Name Everyday. I'll be straight with you: this song couldn't kick more ass if it was Chuck Norris actually kicking someone's ass. I will shake my tailfeather for Nelly right now so help me God.

15. Runaway - The Corrs: If you don't know who the Corrs are, you are missing out. They are an Irish band made up of an unsettlingly beautiful group of sisters and one brother. You probably know them as the group that sang "Breathless". "Runaway" was their first single ever released, and I heard it while I was in Columbus visiting my grandparents, and I made them take me immediately to the nearest record store so I could buy this album. Then the boy who checked me out clearly had a funny feeling in his pants when he looked at the album cover because he wouldn't stop saying how hot they were. It was frightening.

16. Human - Human League: This. Song. Rules. We took a family trip to either California or Flordia-I can't remember which one-and on the plane my sister and I listened to one of the plane radio stations. It played the same like 10 songs over and over and over, and we listened to it the entire way. This was one of them. I never get sick of this song. Or the part where the lady tells the guy, "Hey you know what-don't beat yourself up about cheating on me. Turns out I'm a cheating whore, too."

17. Felicity Theme: You guys, Felicity came on when I was in college, and it was about her going to college, and Scott Foley is hot. Wait-what were we talking about? Seriously I loved this show so much. I love Keri Russell. She was in the Mickey Mouse Club. Which I watched religiously. And went to a live taping of when I was in high school where I saw JC Chasez in person (from 'NSync). I have his autograph. It's probably worth money now. Or at least it was until Justin was all like, "Screw you guys. I'm going solo. And I'm bringing sexy back. And I'm not as cute as I think I am."

18. Set Adrift on Memory Bliss - PM Dawn: I was a big PM Dawn fan in 10th grade. My friend Kim and I would listen to this song at lot while we did homework at her house. And when I say we did homework I mean we did homework for 10 minutes and then called boys.

19. MmmBop - Hanson: What's with all the over-the-Internet judging? You think I can't feel that? I am who I am, you guys, and who I am is a cheeseball who loves MmmBop. The first time I heard it, I couldn't believe what was happening. 'Are they seriously saying MmmBop?' I thought to myself. And they were. And I rejoiced. This song is effing fun. But I really have no idea what it's supposed to be about. Maybe it's about 3 kids who wrote a song and got a record deal when they were like 11.

20. Vox - Sarah McLachlan: Sarah is a personal hero of mine. Her songs are gorgeous. Her voice is hauntingly beautiful, and if you ever get the chance to see her in person, JUMP AT IT. She's phenomenal. This song is a personal favorite of mine and my sister's because it's awesome and it's called Vox. She wrote this when she was 19. When I was 19, I was skipping class so I could sleep off my hangover. Not much has changed.

Post Christmas wrap up

I hope everyone had a fantastic holiday. I sure did. Not being at work was terrific. I mean honestly if I could take the next, oh I don't know, 75 years off, I would be one happy camper. Friday my family and I went down to the see the house from "A Christmas Story". This guy from California bought the house from the movie and fixed it up and now for a small fee you can walk through it and through the museum. It was pretty cool. I mean walking up to it, you can't help but see The Old Man on the porch shooing away the Bumpus's dogs or trying to fix his leg lamp (soft glow of electric sex) in the window while his wife laughs in the background. Could that movie be any more classic. No. It could not.

This weekend the ladies and I played with one of my birthday presents-Trivial Pursuit Totally 80's Edition. Let me just say this right now, and I mean this with all sincerity: I am freaking awesome at 80's Trivial Pursuit. Seriously. I will take on all challengers.

As usual I was showered with enough presents for 10 people. Thank you Mom, Dad, Diane and grandparents! I have already started in on my Scrubs DVDs which I was so happy about I had to resist the urge to make out with them right then and there. Also new favorite lip gloss: Burt's Bees Lip Shimmer in Cocoa. Thanks, Diane. And like a true person in their 30's who asks for nerdy gifts, I got the present I wanted most of all: a new printer. But this is not just a printer, you guys. It is also a fax machine, a scanner, a copier and something else that I can't remember. Man I'm a dork. I thought it would be useful for when I work from home. And for when I want to scan in funny pictures for this blog, I mean let's be honest. Speaking of working from home, there is no way that is ever going to happen again because my parents got me a handheld electronic Sudoku game, and my sister got me handheld electronic Tetris so that is pretty much all I ever do anymore. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I just play games. One day my parents will discover my lifeless body, laying on my couch, electronic game in hand. And they'll say, "At least she died doing what she loved." Because there will also be Salt and Vinegar Pringles by my side.
Other Christmas highlights:

- My dad referred to the band Nine Inch Nails as Nine Inch Heels. Kind of changes the band's image, no?

- On Christmas Eve we saw two little kids walking their bulldogs. The bulldogs were wearing reindeer antlers. It was by far the cutest thing I've ever seen. Seriously bulldogs wearing antlers. Try not to laugh at that.

- Also on Christmas Eve we saw people jogging at 10pm. Um...WTF. Seriously. Jogging at 10pm is already entirely unnecessary without making it part of your Christmas celebration. I'm just saying maybe take a breather, folks. Sometimes there are more important things than working out. You know like eating cookies and watching "Christmas Vacation".

- We passed by a house that had two reindeer in front, and the reindeer had been placed in a...how do I say this delicately...in a compromising position (see: doggie style). That's the closest I've come to crapping my pants on Christmas Eve since I was in diapers...3 years ago.

I hope you guys got to see some vandalized Christmas decorations, too! Now on to the shittiest holiday of the year: New Year's!

Christmas time is here

Despite some personal things happening in our family, I am in a glorious mood right now for several reasons:

1. I am wearing a Christmas shirt, Christmas earrings and Christmas socks (dork alert).
2. Tomorrow begins my 5 day weekend.
3. Christmas is only 4 days away.
4. I am listening to a fish sing Jingle Bells.

Seriously you guys-I love Christmas so much. It's weird that it's kind of warm and everything's green here, but that means that more people got out to put up Christmas lights this year. And Christmas lights make Sarah very happy. Every night I watch a cheesy Christmas special while I drink eggnog. Every day I listen to Christmas songs all day long. Even when I am cursing out all the jackass drivers around me, it is done with love. I love saying Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays to people. I love wrapping presents. I love my Christmas tree. I am bursting with Christmas spirit. Don't you just want to kill me?

In case I don't get to post again before Christmas day, I would like to share my list of Christmas-but-in-a-happy-Christmas-spirit-way-not-in-a-religious-way wishes for you:

May you all feel as happy as I do when I see Christmas lights.

May you all enjoy a warm cup of Starbucks Peppermint Hot Chocolate.

May you all get lucky under the mistletoe.

May those of you who celebrate Christmas get everything you want.

May those of you who don't celebrate Christmas get everything you want, too.

May you not have a job in retail over the holiday season.

May any separating or extending of your junk be with your permission.

May Bing Crosby come to you in your dreams and sing Christmas songs for you.

May you not have to go to the mall anytime soon.

May you all realize that the reason for the season is to get me an iPod. Oh I mean loving one another. Seriously be nice to each other. Smile. Say thanks. Wave to your neighbor. Understand that everyone here is just trying to get through this thing called life and all that makes it worthwhile are the people you touch and who touch you and not in an inappropriate way, John. And seriously...iPod.

May you all remember that you truly mean something to me.

May you all be safe and warm and surrounded by people you love.

May you all have a chance to hear a singing largemouth bass.

Merry, merry, merry Christmas, everybody! And if you don't celebrate Christmas then merry, merry, merry regular ordinary Monday!

Breaking ball news

I need to thank Nessa for pointing out this most amazing news article. It must be dealt with immediately.

It honestly took me a while to comprehend what I was reading. Some comments:

1. It seems like this took a long time to be invented. Wonderbras have been around for years. It's about time women get to share in the disappointment of taking someone home from a bar and realizing as the wondercup comes off that they've been lured in by false advertising.

2. "It basically lifts, separates and extends." Extends? Extends?? Somebody, please tell me how underwear can possibly extend anything. I don't see how that is ever going to happen. Plus I'm not sure I want to spend a lot of time around men who are constantly in a state of extension. I mean it would definitely make business meetings pretty uncomfortable.

3. "This design uses all of the natural assets of the person, whether they be big, small or indifferent." Indifferent? That is honestly not a word I have ever seen used to describe the male anatomy. I looked it up and one definition of indifferent is "of only moderate amount, extent, etc. " so I suppose it works, but who uses the word 'indifferent' in that way? I can just see two girls doing their locker room talk:

Slut 1, whispering and giggling: So...how big was it??
Slut 2: Oh I don't know. It wasn't too big or too small or anything, but it seemed pretty apathetic and uncaring about the whole thing. I'm going to die alone.

4. The underwear features a "wondercup", a pouch used to "separate and stop squashing". Okay, fellas, is this good or bad? I understand that not having your berries squashed is a good thing. But separating them? Really? It sounds painful. And quite frankly does not provide an appealing image in my head.

I'm going to need one of you gentlemen to buy one of these and test it out to tell me if it really works. It's all in the name of science, and I promise you won't have to tell us if you started with big, small or indifferent assets.

P.S. The new version of blogger has this feature where you can label your posts under general categories, and I so wanted to label this one "ball separation".

One more day until vacation

Last night my team went out to dinner to have an unofficial "holiday party" since our company won't pay for them anymore. We did a gag gift exchange. Meet my new boyfriend:















I've always wanted to date a musician.

Also I got tagged by the Urban Princess.

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether or not they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now.

1. All I Want For Christmas - Mariah Carey
2. Go Tell It on the Mountain - Big Daddy Weave
3. O Holy Night - 'NSync
4. Stardust Universe - Jakob Dylan
5. Can't Get Away - Third Eye Blind
6. Since You've Been Around - Rosie Thomas
7. Feliz Navidad - Jose Feliciano

That last one is my ringtone obviously. In high school and college my sister and I used to drive my parents absolutely insane on Christmas Eve by playing that song over and over and over. I think one time we got up to like 18 times. Man are we pains in the ass. Sorry, Mom and Dad. (D, I think we need to resurrect that tradition. I'll bring my CD on Sunday.)

Jim Gaffigan gets wasted on "My Boys" next week

In the spirit of Christmas I just want to say to everyone in Cleveland: you are all jackass drivers. Especially at the mall. That's sincere from me to you. Merry Christmas.

Okay, Cleveland, I'm getting pretty sick of us getting mentioned on national TV for being really stupid. We are a great city (except for our driving), but no one will ever know how great we are unless we stop getting made fun of on Comedy Central. First the Carl Monday fiasco on The Daily Show and then last night we get mentioned on The Colbert Report for this. Okay first of all I just want to point out that originally that display was in Oberlin which, if you are from Cleveland you know is not considered part of Cleveland. It's considered Oberlin. Which is where all the freaks are. Oh I mean artists. (I'm sorry, Oberlin. I'm just kidding.) But now it sounds like this guy has moved it closer to Cleveland. The town it's in now is technically considered a suburb, but it is waaay out west so it's like barely a suburb. Seriously, let's all stop being assholes. I'm sick of getting made fun of on shows I really like.

Christmas card update: Notable quotes
1. Danielle wrote "You're a giant hor" in my Christmas card, but it still made me feel all warm and fuzzy.
2. My coworker, G, left out a word in his message and ended up writing "It is truly a pleasure working you, Sarah." Whoa, G! That just became a whole different kind of card.

Volume Two

Last week a crazy guy on the street turned to me and said, "Hey lady! Workin' hard or hardly workin'!?" and I was like, "Dad?"

So I'm like 99% sure that I sound exactly like Mariah Carey when I sing "All I Want For Christmas" at full blast in my car. You can just ask those people lucky enough to get stuck next to me at a traffic light. They cover their ears as if to say, "No stop-you're too good." And when I start dancing they stare at me eyes wide open, mouths agape as if my sweet, sweet moves have stunned them into a state of immobility.

More on Diane's b-day CDs.

Sarah's 30th Volume 2
1. I Think We're Alone Now - Tiffany: If you know me at all, you know I love Tiffany. Obviously. When I was a little girl, I used to pretend it was me with the cool jean jacket and earrings singing this song in all of the malls across America. Dammit I love her. Special note to Debbie Gibson: you know I love you just as much.

2. Break It Down Again - Tears For Fears: The summer before my junior year in high school, I went to Europe, and they played this song a lot there, and IT IS AWESOME. Interesting sidenote: My friend Mike thinks that when they say "hot tips for the boys" they are really saying "I touch little boys". It's fun to listen to this song with him.

3. So Yesterday - Hilary Duff: Holy crap I love Hilary Duff. Love her or hate her, the girl is a freakin' entertainment industry mogul. But still she's all like, "I'm gonna keep your jeans and your old black hat-cuz I wanna." Awesome! Girl power, Hilary! P.S. Um...stop losing weight.

4. Nice & Slow - Usher: I used to make Diane listen to the first verse of this song over and over and over. "It's seven o'CLOCK on the DOT I'm in my DROP TOP cruisin' the streets. I got a real pretty pretty little thing that's waiting for me." Rewind.

5. Parents Just Don't Understand - Fresh Prince: They seriously don't, you guys. Is there anybody my age who didn't love this song when it came out? I thought it was the most hilarious song ever. Is that guy for real a serious actor now? What? Also, do you guys remember "A Nightmare on My Street" about Freddy Krueger?

6. Bootylicious - Destiny's Child: I really don't think you guys are ready for this jelly.

7. More Than Words - Extreme: If you were a girl in junior high when this song came out, you love it. But I have to think that actual Extreme fans couldn't have been too pleased with this new "change in musical direction". Wait-Extreme fans don't exist. Okay we're good. Oh yes I did. Look at me going out on a ledge to make fun of Extreme. It's never been done before.

8. I Can Tell - BBMak: I can't believe how much I loved a band called BBMak. I say "loved" like it's in the past, but the truth is as soon as I saw this song was on here, I went and got out my BBMak CD to listen to the whole thing.

9. When I Come Around - Green Day: I'd like to take this moment to apologize to all the kids I used to drive to school my senior year. I know that everyday I picked you up and you got into the car hopeful that a new song would be playing. And every day you would end up defeated and disappointed that it would be yet another car ride listening to "When I Come Around". And I'd like to apologize to my mother who was particularly chagrined that I used to wear my Green Day Dookie t-shirt to school all the time. I know you were afraid of what people would think of you letting your daughter out of the house wearing a shirt with a picture of poop on it. Man I miss that shirt. I heart Green Day.

10. Since You Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson: Released right when B left me, this became my ultimate 'get over the break up' song. Is there anyone who doesn't love this song? If so, you can just get the hell out.

11. Jessie - Joshua Kadison: It's very possible I am the only person besides my sister that even remembers this song. I used to make my boyfriend listen to it in high school all the time. I think he would've preferred it if I had jammed a couple of crayons into his ear canals.

12. Popsicle - New Kids on the Block: This is from their very first album ever which you only have if you were a true die-hard NKOTB fan like me and my sister. This song sounds exactly like what you would expect a song called "Popsicle" to sound like. It's sung by a pre-pubescent Joey, and he says to the girl he's singing to, "You're my popsicle." I don't even know what that means. If you want a laugh, listen to this album. If you are still a die-hard, what's up? We should start a club.

13. Love Will Come to You - Indigo Girls: I am totally out of the closet about my love for the Indigo Girls. See how I did that there. They're lesbians. So I made a coming out joke. Listen I'm just tossing 'em out there. You better pay attention if you want to keep up with me. The Indigo Girls remain one of my top 5 favorite bands/groups ever. EVER. FYI I would give my left arm to be able to write songs like Emily Saliers (the blonde Indigo Girl).

14. Kyrie - Mr. Mister: Second favorite 80's song of all time. First is obviously "Photograph" by Def Leppard. Mr. Mister is the greatest name for a band ever. I bet they were drunk when they came up with that.

15. The Real Thing - Kenny Loggins: I've made no secret of my love for Kenny Loggins. As I told Drew, "I think Peter Cetera and Kenny Loggins really define who I am as a person*." This is from an album that came out when I was 14 or 15. I remember I got it for my birthday or Christmas or something and shortly after that we went on a family ski trip to New York. I was at that age where any chance I could get, wherever I was, whoever I was with, I was listening to my headphones prompting my mother to frequently say, "Sarah, can you please take off the headphones and join the conversation." Sidenote: We stayed at my parents' friend's house on Lake Chautauqua, and it was the scariest house I've ever been in. Plus it didn't have cable. Excuse me? Eff you, parents' friends.

16. Somewhere in Between - Phil Vassar: Phil Vassar is such a great songwriter. I am obsessed with him. I would buy anything he did. I used to annoy my roommate's boyfriend by singing his first album all the time in my room. He used to annoy me by just being around.

17. Invincible - Pat Benetar: I want to BE Pat Benetar. Could she be any cooler? No. She could not. I think if I was one of those people whose whole life was singing karaoke, my "act" would be singing only Pat Benetar songs. This particular song is from the movie, "The Legend of Billie Jean" starring a young Christian Slater and a young Helen Slater (whoa I never noticed they had the same last name) as a girl who takes a stand against crime and corruption (i.e., a guy trashed her brother's motor scooter) by running away and shaving her head a la Joan of Ark and becoming famous or "a legend" as the title suggests because she yells, "Fair's fair!" over and over and yeah I'm not really sure what's up with this movie. I just remember this one scene where a girl gets her first period in the back of a car, and it's really gross and when I saw this movie as a kid, I'm sure I exclaimed "GRODY!" This song couldn't kick more ass, though.

18. EI - Nelly: Nelly rules everything. Best rapper ever. I will have his babies.

19. Wannabe - Spice Girls: When this song first came out, I hated it with everything inside of me. Then I drove to Columbus with my friend Mario who made me listen to it the entire way there and thus I received the greatest brainwashing of all time. This song is awesome. And I have yet to meet a guy who when talking about this song has not made this joke: "'If you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends.'-uh okay. If you insist! I have no problem getting with your friends! Zing!" Okay I added that Zing part. It's a new thing I'm trying out.

*Drew would later say that this was the best sentence he's ever heard in his life.

The Office, you complete me. No seriously you do.

If you haven't accepted the fact that The Office is the best show on television, find someone who Tivoed last night's episode and watch it. It was effing fantastic. I want to write down highlights, but that means I have to write down the whole episode. Dammit. I have to do it. Okay don't read this if you didn't see it:

- Dwight with the dead goose was amazing, but even more amazing was when Phyllis said, "I mean is it so crazy to cook this up?" and Creed nodded and said, "That's crazy. That's crazy." all matter of factly.

- Michael singing "Two Tickets to Paradise"

- Creed takes a toy from the Toys for Tots box. Holy crap that guy is so insane. His character gets like one or two lines an episode, and they are always the funniest lines ever.

- I really cannot deal with how wonderfully amazing the Andy vs. Dwight storyline is. Could they find two better actors/characters to have a rivalry? It's so pointless and ridiculous and funny as hell. Honestly introducing Andy into this show has made me fall in love with it all over again.

- Holy crap Michael photoshopping his face onto Carol's ex-husband. So creepy. So painfully funny. And then when he comes out and cancels Christmas. "Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley." Oh my God. I was in tears. Plus he was wearing his robe.

- Hands down the most laugh out loud moment, for me anyway, was when Toby who is so miserable with his life was actually excited about the Dundler Mifflin robe and Dwight came and ripped it out of his hands and he squeaked out a meek, "Why?". I almost choked to death from laughing so hard.

- Jim declaring himself a committee who decides the validity of other committees. When Dwight tried to yell at him he said, "Can you please keep it down? I'm in session." Seriously he is so perfect in every way. It actually hurts me.

- I could watch Michael cry all day long. Who cries like that? It's so terrific. Plus he is totally the type of guy that would say "Bros before hos". Then through tears he said, "Not yo ho no mo." Even when he's sad he never stops being an ass.

- Angela is such a bitch but in the best way ever. Best line: when she was talking about how she is good at standing her ground and being mean and she brings up how she hasn't talked to her sister in 16 years and she goes, "So yeah...I'm good."

- I couldn't believe it when Darryl, the warehouse guy who I absolutely love, said he would go down and get his synthesizer. 1 - a synthesizer. 2 - why does he have it at work?? Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

- Kevin in a robe singing Alanis Morissette. Yes.

- Michael and Andy singing John Mayer

- Michael not being able to tell those girls apart. When he marked her arm, my head basically exploded. That is genius writing.

- I loved the Jim and Michael talk on the couch. It was so nice and real and basically Jim was talking about Pam and that is awesome.

- Pam is so nice. She did so many nice things for a lot of people on last night's episode. I loved it. Plus her and Karen getting along makes sense. Jim's panicky faces were great.

- Oscar's back! He had one line when he walked in at the end to Angela singing "The Little Drummer Boy" and he said, "Too soon." But it was a great effing line.

I can't go on or else I will be writing a transcript of the show. Honestly. This was top notch work, Office writers. I am watching it again tonight.

Girls Gone Christmas

Tonight was our Girls Christmas party. What that entails is a lot of the following: girls, presents, food, wine, screaming, clapping, video games, stealing and murder. Wait-I may have said too much about Girls Christmas.

Anyway, it was excellent as usual. I ate enough for 3 people and feel sick now. However, I scored big time because I am supposed to bring a dessert to our company holiday party on Friday so I just took all the leftover cookies from our party tonight and am going to take those. It's my experience that "corporate hors", as Danielle calls them, will pretty much eat anything you bring in as long as it's free.

Girls Christmas is potluck so everyone brings a dish*. Steph called me on her way to the party for assistance in determining the best way to present what she was bringing. We decided on displaying it in a Christmas mug. Here's how it turned out:
















Having trouble seeing what's in the mug? It's a bunch of Slim Jims. Steph brought Slim Jims as her potluck dish to our Girls Christmas party. She bought them at a gas station on the way there. After 45 minutes of no one taking any, she laid that one on its side to better display it. Wouldn't you agree that makes it more appetizing? Perhaps the best part of the Slim Jims is that Danielle remarked that she hadn't ever had one. I told her to try one so she did. She took a bite and let out a sigh of disgust. Ten seconds later she said, "Yeah I'm not going to swallow this." then immediately went into the kitchen and spit it into the garbage can.

Also you guys should know that Steph was wearing a headband that had mistletoe coming out of it and hanging over her face. Dammit Steph you have to at least play a little hard to get. I think what I liked the most was that she was wearing that headband at an all female party.

Diane, thanks for having us over. Sorry Danielle and I rubbed our butts on your tree while listening to my Feliz Navidad ringtone. Actually I'm really not that sorry.

*Inside joke to lunch crowd: dishtopass.

Volume 1

Sorry I haven't written. As Johnny Virgil pointed out to me, now that I'm 30, I don't have as much energy to post as frequently as I did when I was in my 20's. Actually what happened is that I took a couple days off work and ended up taking off a couple days from everything. Including showering and driving while sober. Just kidding. Or am I? (I am getting mysterious in my older age.)

Actually we're going through a couple of pretty trying situations with my family right now so I'm mentally and emotionally drained. Basically what I'm saying to you is that I am going to be phoning in this post. And as long as I'm being up front about things, you should also know that this is being written while I'm in my Christmas pajama pants. Easy, boys-there's enough of me and my Christmas pants to go around.

First, before I get into the meat of the post, I would like to point out an awesome quote from tonight's episode of "My Boys", a great new show that we should all be watching. Jim Gaffigan is in it. He has a small part, but when he's on screen, I am peeing my pants. So, tonight's episode:

Scene: Friends around a poker table. Gaffigan's cell phone rings. The ringer is Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

Guy: Dude, you've really got to get a new ringtone.
Gaffigan: I want people to know how I roll.
Sarah: pee

Okay so I told you about the CDs my sister made me for my birthday. They are grand*. Here are the songs on volume 1 (there are 4 volumes) with a little explanation on why they are appearing on the b-day collection. Be forewarned: I like a lot of 80's music. And cheesy pop music.

Sarah's 30th Volume 1
1. Shimmer - Fuel: This song will remain one of the most awesome songs ever recorded. We used to listen to it constantly when we would go to the University of Toledo football games and then make out with the football players.

2. Right Here Waiting - Richard Marx: #1 – Richard Marx is the man. #2 - The summer after 6th grade I went away to sports camp for a week. And there I met Benji. Ahh…my beautiful Benji. I'm taking a chance here by writing his real name, but I need to because…it's Benji. He was so beautiful. Probably the most beautiful boy I had ever seen in person up until that point in my life. He had an identical twin who was also pretty, but I was way more into Benji. He had kind of a little baby mullet and was quieter and shyer than his brother. When I came back from camp, I told Diane this was mine and Benji's song. I listened to it constantly. Obviously Benji and I needed a song after speaking no more than 2 times in 1 week. Mmm…I wonder what he's doing now. I bet he's still hot. If you're out there Benji: What's up? UCC camp 1989, perm, braces, wore lots of pastel and plastic jewelry. Call me.

3. Cannonball – The Breeders: Oh hi. This song's awesome.

4. Love Song – Sky: D and I heard this song a few years ago when we were in our MuchMusic phase. We loved it. Canadians have awesome music way before us. We have no idea what this song's about. None of the words make any sense. And I've never heard these guys/this guy (?) do anything else. I wonder if we made this song up.

5. One Call Away – Chingy: You. Could. Roll. Wit. Me. If you was my baby. Need I say more?

6. Next Time I Fall – Peter Cetera & Amy Grant: My love for Peter Cetera is well documented here. And in my CD collection. Look he's the man, and he loves duets. If you're a chick singer, and Peter Cetera calls you up to do a duet, you look up to the sky and you thank your lucky stars because YOU. HAVE. MADE. IT. Next time I fall, it will be with Peter Cetera.

7. Roll to Me – Del Amitri: Catchy much, Del Amitri? Honestly. My high school boyfriend sang this song constantly. This one and Chumbawamba. You know what's not annoying? Hearing Chumbawamba on the radio every 13 seconds and then hearing it sung by your boyfriend during the 13 seconds that it's not actually on the radio.

8. Invisible Touch – Genesis: Do I really need to explain.

9. Little Black Backpack – Stroke 9: I saw these guys in concert, and it was awesome. And this was a really great album. Where the hell did they go?

10. We Built This City – Jefferson Starship: I will build a city or anything else to this song.

11. No song on disc. Apparently it didn't work. Nice, Diane.

12. Footloose – Kenny Loggins: Just one track off of the greatest soundtrack ever. I will cut footloose right now, I swear to God. Dance your ass off! Who's with me?

13. Bossy – Kelis: I'm the bitch y'all love to hate. You guys should see me try to sing this song. It's pathetic. I am not the first girl to scream on a track. I did not switch up the beat of the drum. I did not bring all the boys to the yard. He does not have me tattooed on his arm. I'm so not bossy.

14. I Saw the Sign – Ace of Base: You know what opened up my eyes? Seeing Ace of Base on this CD mix.

15. Toy Soldiers – Martika: Martika was totally on Kids Incorporated with Fergie and Ryan Lambert from "The Monster Squad". Also this is a really good song that is fun to sing. I like when she loses her mind at the end and screams, "ALL FALL DOWN ALL FALL DOWN!!" P.S. Who else is singing the Kids Incorporated theme song right now? K! I! D! S!

16. What's Luv – Fat Joe: Yes. OMG this song is amazing. It reminds me of a summer in which I spent many nights downtown dancing on the roof of Velvet Dog. Also when I went to the Bahamas, it was the only song they would play that I actually knew.

17. Cool It Now – New Edition: You should see my sister dance to this song. It's amazing. Ronny, Bobby, Ricky and Mike, If I love the girl, who cares you like. That is some hardcore rapping right there.

18. My Place in This World – Michael W. Smith: I think this was the song for every senior class the year it came out. I was in junior high at the time so I was really just looking for my place in the feetless tights and hair scrunchies. Incidentally I'm still looking for my place in this world. I think it might actually be at a bar somewhere.

19. Talk Dirty to Me – Poison: No explanation necessary. Greatest song ever. Losing my mind thinking about it. CC, pick up that guitar and talk to me!!

20. I'm Alright – JoDee Messina: I LOVE JoDee Messina, and I LOVE this song. I will fight anyone who doesn't at least bob their head or tap their foot to this song.

Stay tuned for volume 2.

*When you're 30, you're supposed to use words like "grand". And "early bird dinner".

Okay so I'm feeling pretty good about 30

And here's why:

1. You guys. Seriously you're awesome. Let's make out.

2. When I got out of bed, I let out a huge groan thinking that is something a 30 year old would do, and I made myself laugh.

3. Peter Cetera. Christmas album. I found out about it right after I wrote down that depressing post. I listened to it all day yesterday. Um...it is awesome, you guys. Imagine all your favorite Christmas songs completely Cetera'd out. I couldn't stop laughing/being happy.

4. This was on my dry erase board when I got to work:
















5. My friend Katie gave me peppermint hot chocolate.

6. I got to go to lunch with my boys and the hor.

7. My boss surprised me with a cake at work.

8. I got like a million birthday emails from all my friends.

9. I got this in my inbox from Sudha:

Sarah,

You are young and spritely. You have great friends, a great family, a "phat crib," and a good job. You have won 3 bronze medals in the Olympic biathlon (editorial note - combination of skiing and shooting rifles perhaps the best since somebody spilled their chocolate on somebody else's peanut butter). You also rescued the white rhino from near extinction. You have accomplished a lot in such little time. However as I have met you once or twice before, I can predict that you are not taking today's milestone as well as you should. It's just another day, Sarah. Per Sir Paul McCartney:

Every Day She Takes A Morning Bath She Wets Her Hair,
Wraps A Towel Around Her
As She's Heading For The Bedroom Chair,
It's Just Another Day.

Indeed, it IS just another day, and I hope you have a great one. I am sorry I could not be there to celebrate with you. I miss you buddy. Please do something fun today. I will call you later.

Happy birthday!!!
Sudha

10. My parents took me out to dinner at a freaking awesome restaurant, and I got steak and garlic mashed potatoes. OMG I wish I was still eating it. It was so good. Then the waitress gave me free chocolate mousse. I don't like chocolate mousse all that much, but I would risk going to jail by sneaking back in to this place and stealing some more of it. It was effing delicious.

11. We saw Christmas lights.

12. I was literally showered with presents. Let me say for the record that I could not be any more spoiled. It's not possible.

13. The White House Christmas special was on HGTV last night. Aunt Nancy, did you see it? It was awesome!

14. My sister made me four CDs filled with songs from my first 30 years. They are either songs we listened to a lot or songs that remind her of me because I was obsessed with them (i.e. Chingy - "One Call Away". Seriously.) They're from all eras of my life, and they are effing awesome. She said she had a list twice as long, but had to cut a bunch of songs in order to be done with the CDs before my 40th. This is one of the greatest presents I have ever received. Perhaps another day I will share the song lists with you. I will warn you they contain a lot of Peter Cetera and Kenny Loggins.

15. John sent me this with the message "Happy B-day I wish I knew how to quit you":













Dear 30, whatever you're not the boss of me. I do what I want.

On the eve of my 30th birthday

Please forgive me as I clumsily try to describe what I'm feeling and why. It's moments like these that I wish I was an actual writer with actual talent so I could find the right words to eloquently lay out the thoughts going through my brain. Unfortunately I'm not so much a "writer" as I am a "girl who has the same vocabulary as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle".

Tomorrow I'll wake up and be 30 years old. There's no way to stop it. No way to slow down the Earth's rotation so that I can squeeze in a couple extra moments of being in my twenties. No way to go back and change anything-at least not without a time machine made out of a DeLorean. I mean it's here. It is upon me. In a couple weeks, I know it won't matter to me nearly as much as it does right now. But right now, it really matters.

In addition to feeling like I no longer have an excuse to be immature or irresponsible-both things that play heavily into the definition of me as a person-there's a social stigma associated with a single woman turning 30. We all know that. As much as I hate to say it, I have bought into it. When you're younger, you set goals for yourself. By the time I'm 22, I'll have a job at a successful company. Check. By the time I'm 28, I'll have a house. Check. By the time I'm 30, I'll be married with two kids. Um...not so much. I know it's insane to think that you can really have that much control over your future. You can't, and it's too much pressure to be putting on yourself to think that you can. I also know that what I DO have is an incredibly full and rewarding and AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL life. I'm not complaining because I can't. Nobody as lucky as me has the right to complain.

But every once in a while I start to wonder. There are things I want. Things I thought I would have by now. And even though I know that I am independent and intelligent and can take care of myself (i.e. order take out) and don't need anyone else, well, every once in a while...I really need someone else. And I start to wonder. Is it headed that direction? Is it in my future? Maybe that's why turning 30 is so hard for me. In my twenties, I was certain it was. Now, who knows.

Now that my sister is weeping and my parents are wondering if I need to be on antidepressants, I want to say that I AM HAPPY. I really am. I love my life. How could I not? It's full of love and amazing people and more material things than should be allowed by law. And it's effing fun as hell. I think all this sad talk is really just the rambling of a girl who is panicking about getting older way faster than she wants to. Also, I finished up all of the pumpkin bread my mom gave me after Thanksgiving and have none left, and I am really very sad about that.

You guys are going to write really nice things to me even though it's completely not necessary so I want to say thank you in advance. And I'm certain everyone is going to be really nice to me tomorrow, and I'm going to have an awesome birthday so this will all fade away. Also I'm aware that 30 is not even old and not a big deal at all. I know that logically. But right now I am all emotion. And not enough pumpkin bread.

Oh but you know what? My neighbor totally thinks I am an attractive young girl. Forget it-I'm good.

Cowabunga*!

*See above reference to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Aaaand.....full circle.

Getting older, not smarter

On Thursday I had a commitment after work so I didn't get home until about 10:30pm. I did some work on the computer until about 12:30am then I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up at 1:15am and remembered it was trash night. I quickly got the trash together and walked out into my garage. Since it was pouring down rain, I just got the bags together and put them off to the side of my garage to take out in the morning. Exhausted and cold, I opened the door, went inside and went to bed.

Oh if only that's how it would have gone. Instead I went to open the door to go back inside, and it wouldn't open. I did the panic jiggle. I did it again while saying, "Nooooo." And then I banged my forehead against the door just like in every movie you've ever seen. None of it made any difference. Yes-I managed to lock myself out of my house at 1:30am on a night it was pouring rain. My keys and phone inside, I literally stared at the door for about 10 minutes picturing what my night would be like spent in the garage. Sleeping in my car, explaining to my boss why I wasn't at work.

Then I tried to open my car door. And it turns out that my new hobby is to lock things I don't normally lock.

I'm pretty sure I said the phrase, "Oh my God this is so fucking fantastic." about a bajillion times. I was like the effing Sarcastic Rain Man.

I had what I thought was a moment of brilliance when I grabbed my toolbox and decided to break into my own house. Here's the thing: I am an upstanding, law-abiding citizen who has never broken into anything before and whose only idea was to jam a screwdriver into the keyhole. I knew before I did it that it wouldn't work, yet, I still tried it. Over and over. Then I cried.

I knew what I had to do. I had to go to a neighbor's house, wake them up, admit what I had done, use their phone to call my parents and beg for forgiveness later. There was no other choice. I started with the guy who lives next door. I went to his front door and noticed his light was on. Then I noticed the TV was on. This was my chance. I knocked rather than ringing the doorbell thinking that it would be a gentler way to be woken up in the middle of the night.

My neighbor came to the door with the greatest WTF face ever. I immediately apologized and explained that I was a 30 year old adult who had just locked herself out of her own house at 1:30am and needed to call my mommy. He graciously let me in, and I called my parents. They were overjoyed to be awoken from their slumber only to be told that one of them had to drive out to my house with a spare key and let me in.

My neighbor let me stay at his place until my mom got there because it was so cold and rainy out. He even offered me something to drink. He had been up reading so I didn't even wake him up. How lucky is that.

I don't want to speak ill of him because he absolutely saved my ass and was so nice about everything, but I just want to say that he is the same age as my dad, is separated from his wife and the frequency with which he spoke about how many attractive young girls my age live around him was...a tad creepy. Especially when he said, "attractive young girls, like yourself." He told his wife to watch out because of all the attractive young girls living around him. He said "attractive young girls" like 30 times. Also he asked me about my ex-boyfriends (in the context of a conversation where it made sense. It's not like I walked in and he made me fill out a dating history.) When I told him I was single now, he told me he knows I will meet someone very soon. He can feel it. I've talked to him maybe 3 times before. About weather. And once about Christmas lights.

But like I said-I won't say anything bad. Even though I just spent an entire paragraph calling him creepy. Seriously though-I wasn't scared of him in any way, and I felt safe. I think he is lonely and unhappy about his separation and was glad to have the company. It made me a little sad, and I made a mental note to make the effort to say 'hi' more often. Plus he took me in and was very nice and wasn't mad at all that his crazy neighbor lady who talks to her flowers and doesn't pick up her newspapers for a month was at his house in the middle of the night. So semi-creepy neighbor guy, thank you.

And thank you, Mom, for getting up in the middle of the night to come let me into my own house. I bet you thought you were done with that kind of crap when I moved out, grew up and got smarter. Surprise! I'm still a dumb kid!

Seriously, you guys. What is wrong with me. I can't believe I did that. But the thing is-I can totally believe I did that.

I think this hangover is going to be a multiple day-er

If the sign of a good party is that it's 24 hours later and your hangover is still so bad it feels like you just woke up then the party my sister and parents threw for me last night was effing great. Apparently I was alone in my desire to skip over celebrating the end of my twenties so they rented out half a bar and invited all my friends. Thanks to Steph, everyone was wearing a picture of me that she had turned into a sticker. You could pick one of several poses. Baby pictures? Me wearing a Just Say No shirt? The first day with my tail? Me wearing a sombrero and making out with a mannequin head at New Year's last year? All available. Thanks, Steph! I guarantee there are pictures of me all over that bar today. Thank God. I love thinking about strangers getting a hold of my 5th grade school picture.

My mom made me cupcakes, rice krispie treats and a birthday cake-an actual birthday cake. I don't think she's actually made a birthday cake for me since I was in junior high. It was awesome. My sister worked out a plan with my beloved friend Marie from college to have her come in and surprise me. I haven't seen Marie in three and a half years, and she is the last person I expected to see this weekend. It was absolutely amazing, and I lost my mind. Then all my friends came to the party-only a couple of people were missing, but I know they wanted to be there. I honestly can't believe how many people came. People are just incredibly nice to me. I'm really not sure why, but I love it and am so grateful.

I have a giant stack of presents which is ridiculous. No one should have bought me anything, but I appreciate it so much. I would say that about 90% of them are alcohol or alcohol-related. Do my friends know me or what? John and his wife Leah bought me Salt and Vinegar Pringles. AWESOME.

Alcohol-wise, I really didn't drink that much. Well I mean for the first hour we were there. After that I ingested a mind-boggling amount of vodka. I'll be honest, I don't remember some things. In fact, here are things I can say for sure:

- I didn't pay for one drink all night. Even the bartender bought me a drink.
- It was BFHX Day 5 and John had a mustache. People who didn't know him would actually ask me, "So...who's that guy with the mustache?" in a very creeped out and suspicious tone.
- A kid at the bar was celebrating his birthday, too. We decided we were birthday best friends. He was turning 24 so obviously I had to hate him just on principle, but I did give him a cupcake.
- I'm pretty sure I kissed both John and Leah.
- Sharda definitely did not spend the end of the night on the bathroom floor of a stall puking into the toilet and by "did not" I mean "did".
- Using the above definition of "did not" Leah definitely did not puke into the garbage can in the bathroom.
- Danielle asked me how she could find a husband who she could get pregnant.
- My dad was really sick but he and my mom still stayed until 11.
- This is the first time I have ever been really drunk in front of my parents.
- I told about 20 people that we were BFFs including a guy who had wandered in from the other side of the bar and worked for American Greetings and made me a birthday card on a cocktail napkin.
- I'm pretty sure I wouldn't stop kissing every single person on the cheek. If you got attacked, I'm sorry. I was feeling a lot of love and needed to express it.
- At one point I was in the bathroom helping Sharda (who, by the way, kept yelling at me to leave because it was my party and she was ruining it by making it about her-what? Um hello, Sharda, that was awesome.). After about the third time John handed me a paper towel, it dawned on me that he was in the women's restroom.
- As a follow up to that, my sister told me that someone told her that they were going to go to the bathroom then they saw John come out of the women's room and 30 seconds later Danielle came out of the men's room.
- Steph, upon meeting my friend Marie, grabbed her boob. We tried to explain to Marie that that's like Steph's handshake. It basically means, "Hey-I'm Steph. How ya doin?"
- I fell on my ass and broke a glass full of cranberry and vodka. Apparently Danielle said, "Are you okay?" and then I said, "I need another cranberry and vodka!" Then I started cleaning up the glass, and my friends said to stop. They said if I cut myself the bar would be afraid I would sue. When the guy who worked there came over to clean up I said, "I don't want to sue you." And he said, "I don't think you can."
- If we spoke within the last hour or so of the party, I remember talking to you, but I have no idea what we talked about. I'm sorry if I said anything embarassing.
- At the end of the night when we got home, Drew was kind enough to direct me to the exact spot in the bushes where I could throw up.

I know I am missing tons of stuff, but my head is still pounding so it's hard to think. If my friends would like to enlighten me further with some memories in the comments, feel free.

I don't remember going to bed. Thanks to my sister for getting me there. From what I hear, it was neither fun nor easy to get me to sleep especially with all the puking. I guess I had heartburn, and I told her I needed her to take me to the hospital because it felt like someone was stabbing me. I'm sure that was not annoying. This morning when I woke up I was pretty sure I was going to die or was already in the process of dying. I threw up and then we went to breakfast with my out of town friends where I ate all of Diane's hashbrowns and a couple bites of french toast in between going to the bathroom every 10 minutes because I thought I was going to throw up again. I can safely say that I wasn't that drunk or that hungover for my 21st birthday. In fact I have never been that hungover in my entire life. I guess 30 is the new 21, and I am totally okay with that because I will now be telling everyone that I am only 21.

To my friends: Thank you so much for being there to celebrate with me. You have no idea how much you all mean to me. At least 20 times I stopped and looked around the room to see myself surrounded by so many wonderful people that I love so much, and I had to stop myself from crying. The fact that you cared enough to be there and to say such nice things to me, well, I really am overwhelmed by your kindness. I am the luckiest person on Earth. There is just no other way to say it.

To my parents: Thank you so much for helping to plan this party and for being literally the greatest parents ever known to man. I've had an amazing 30 years, and it's because of you. I love you!

To Diane: I can't believe how much trouble you went to just for your big sis's birthday. Thank you so much. It was amazing and fun and all because of you. I owe you big time for everything you did. You're the best sister anyone could ask for, and I love you. And I will be repaying you in just a couple short years when you turn 30.

To 30: I'll see you Wednesday.

P.S. We also ended up celebrating the fact that Kim and Kevin got engaged earlier that day. They were all worried about "stealing my thunder" like I'm J. Lo or something and expect all attention on me. Well they were right. I took Kim's ring and threw it down the toilet. Nobody is upstaging me at my own birthday party. Seriously, I was so excited that we all got to celebrate that, too. Kim and Kevin, I am so happy for you guys!

P.P.S. BFHX Day 4 pics are up.

Oh my God only 5 days

- BFHX Day Three snuck up behind me while I was in line to get chicken teriyaki. I have no idea how he achieved such straight lines and hard angles, but really how does any artist create their masterpieces? They're born with a talent. John is an artist. And his medium is facial hair. Special note: John took his kid to preschool looking like this. I'm pretty sure Child Protective Services was called as he drove away.

- Is it weird if I never want to leave my Christmas tree? I just want to stare at it all day.

- At what point does it become your obligation to tell someone that they are a giant douchebag? I'm just wondering because it seems like some people reach a level of douchiness so high, that they will actually bring about physical harm to themselves mainly through the process of me punching them, repeatedly, in the face. And possibly the windpipe.

- The Office (Don't read if you haven't watched): Andy playing a banjo and singing Kenny Loggins. Um…yes? Seriously, Jim and Pam. You love each other. "Prison Mike, what's the food like in prison?" Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. That's all I can say about that scene.

- Grey's (Don't read if you haven't watched): Leave it to this show to turn everything on its head. George hires the lady heart surgeon to avoid Christina and Burke performing the surgery, and then Christina gets in on it anyway. Not only that, she saves his dad's life! What!? What an amazing twist! When his dad told him he knows that the real person George is angry with is him, I was crying. I was thinking the same exact thing. Either way, I don't like angry George. Please bring my sweet innocent George back. Thanks.

Poor Meredith having to listen to her mom's psychotic rantings about her wishing she never had a kid. How awful. The hug at the end was beautiful. Honestly. It's the first time I've seen her mother show any affection towards her. Meredith must have been absolutely starving for it. I thought it was really a lovely moment. Another moment I liked was after the surgery on the conjoined twins. McDreamy said, "If only all love triangles could be solved with a scalpel." And McSteamy said, "If that were the case you'd have stabbed me with a 10 blade years ago." Then they both laughed. I liked it because it showed a hint of what their friendship used to be like. McSteamy has called him his brother before. It would be interesting to explore that further-just how close they really were. Plus it would be an excuse for more scenes featuring McDreamy and McSteamy together, and I am a-okay with that.

Um…she got on the elevator, you guys! Christina got on the elevator with Burke! Fantastic, Grey's writers! Fantastic. After the scene with the lady heart surgeon talking about how Christina reminds her of herself as a young surgeon who doesn't need relationships and friends and family, well, it turns out Christina does. Awesome. I loved that.

One last thing to point out: the twins who played the conjoined brothers are stand up comedians-the Sklar brothers. And they are effing hilarious.

6 days and counting

- There are no words to describe how happy "A Charlie Brown Christmas" makes me.

- BFHX Day Two pics are up. I couldn't even talk to him at lunch without giggling. Facial hair maybe shouldn't make me this happy. But it really does. I wish you guys could all share in how amazing it is to see strangers' reactions to what he looks like. That is my Christmas wish for all of you this holiday season. Also if you are bored today, just imagine him trying to get through a day of work looking like this. Meetings, offsites, walking through the halls and, as an extra bonus, possibly an interview of a potential coworker. Picturing this stuff is all I do all day.

- Everyone needs to watch these immediately.

- All my effing shows are ending their fall seasons, and I will have to wait for most of them to come back in January or February. Um...that's not cool. Diane said it's good because now I can get back to having a real life. I don't really know what she's talking about. My life is pretty full juggling my internship at Seattle Grace and my boyfriend Skeet Ulrich. Not to mention trying to get off this island and learning to use my new superpower to save the cheerleader. Diane, maybe you're the one who needs a life. All you do is excel at your job and take care of your house with your boyfriend and participate in social activities outside of the home. LAME!

- Seriously BFHX Day Two. Check it out.

Last week of my 20's begins today

BFHX Day Two pictures are not up yet. But you will not be disappointed. Yesterday was fantastic. Today was supposed to be Day Three, but John forgot he had an offsite meeting so BFHX is on temporary hiatus until tomorrow. That might turn out to be a good thing because my body is worn out from laughing.

Today my coworker was looking at a news site while I was at his desk. On the site were two pictures related to two different stories. One was a picture of the lady who had the face transplant a year ago, and one was of Sylvester Stallone. After seeing these two pictures, I just want to say that maybe Sly should consider having a face transplant.

Face Transplant:















Not Face Transplant:

BFHX Day One

Day One of Birthday Facial Hair Christmas (BFHX) was more than I could have ever dreamed for. I can't even put into words how hard it was to look directly at it and not look directly at it at the same time. In a word: Brilliant. When we were at lunch I just kept thinking about how people who didn't know him totally thought that was really how he wore his facial hair. It was enough to make me almost literally burst with happiness. Please read about it here. And view pictures. Glorious pictures.

Happy belated Thanksgiving!

- I hope everyone had an awesome Thanksgiving. I ate way too much and spent the entire day trying to stay awake as usual. An old man with a cane challenged my grandpa who also has a cane to a race. It was awesome. Thanksgiving is awesome.

- We had our second book club meeting a couple weeks ago. It was really fun. Sharda made us dinner, and then Shannon told us we weren't like a real book club. Apparently when she thought up the idea of a book club she didn't picture us talking about all the dirty parts of the book first or comparing national bestseller The Time Traveler's Wife to "Back to the Future". As I've told her, it will now be my mission to compare every book we read going forward to a Michael J. Fox movie.

- Last Tuesday we went to the Cavs game. My sister won club seats at a charity event, and we got free parking, free food, free drinks and awesome seats. I had never seen LeBron play live before so this was big for me. He is awesome. His arms are ridiculous. I want to hang them on my wall. While getting into our seats I spilled wine all over the back of this guy in front of me. I said, "I'm so so so so sorry." And he said, "Oh my God-this is my favorite shirt of all time." He was kidding of course. Then his friend said, "We're chubby-we just absorb the alcohol into our skin." When they left the guy I spilled on said, "I'll be sending you my dry cleaning bill." I love that guy.

- It's safe to say that 2 of the top 10 entries on my List of Favorite Things are Christmas and free dinner. Last night Danielle provided both by cooking us dinner while we helped decorate her Christmas tree. It was so fun and made me ridiculously happy. Then she played a show that was entirely made up of mascots, and you know what? That wasn't cool. But still-thanks, Mufflet. I had an great time.

- Grey's (don't read if you haven't seen it): Um...holy shit. Are you kidding me? It was so effing good! Alex and Addison? HOT! I like it! The whole Christina and Burke thing totally blew my mind. You could just see her losing control. I thought it was completely shitty of her to turn him in without so much as a warning especially after all her talk about needing to get their stories straight. Plus I am of the opinion that she dragged him into that whole situation to begin with. Steph does not agree, but I really feel it was her idea. He is a grown man and should've said no so he shoulders half the responsibility, but geez-talk about the ultimate betrayal. When I saw her in the chief's office, I was stunned. Derek and Meredith were adorable the whole episode. It was nice to see her smiley and laughing and man he is freaking hot. My heart is aching for George. It's too bad he had to shut Izzie up by being really mean, but I understand that he was speaking from a place of true desperation. Plus Izzie will get over it. I felt kind of bad for Callie. She was trying to talk to George about McSteamy, and he freaked out on her. I'm sure she thinks it's because of what she did since she doesn't know what's going on with George's dad and Burke, and that sucks. The scene with her trying to fight Meredith was absolutely fantastic. I loved when Izzie got in between them and was like, "I'm sorry, but she is really little and you're hurting her!" Amazing. I cannot wait to see next week's episode. Seriously you guys-there is no way Burke and Christina will ever get past this, is there? I just don't see how it's possible. So sad.

- I wish I knew what to say about this. But I don't. Except that I will marry this person.

- So my birthday is next week. John asked me what I wanted, and I told him I wanted him to grow a mustache. He decided to do one better. Today is day one of Five Days of Birthday Facial Hair Christmas. You can read about the most amazing birthday present ever given here on his blog (yes he's back).

Tailgating at OSU in two words: Insane Asylum

Seriously that place is wild. I went there about four years ago for the same game, and that was the year the campus and surrounding areas were completely trashed and set on fire. I did not see any of it because I was too drunk and eating at Cooker and then apparently at a party of which I have no recollection but am told by several eyewitnesses that I was, in fact, in attendance. However, I did see the aftermath of the riots, and it almost made me cry it was so bad. The city was ruined.

Shortly after that, Columbus created some new laws and really started strongly enforcing existing ones to avoid a repeat performance. And except for a few rare cases, it has worked. There are still roughly 12 billion people for every square foot of space, but no one set me on fire or turned over garbage cans. At least not where I could see.

We spent a lot of our time at a friend's giant RV. It sounds trashy, but it was the most beautiful RV I have ever seen. It was nicer than my place. Literally, Matt's apartment is smaller than this RV. It had 3 plasma screens (one facing outward) showing the game in HD, a giant beer fridge that looked like a vending machine and more food than I have ever seen at a tailgate in my entire life. Plus they provided all the drinks and asked for nothing in return. They even had girlie drinks for me. Um-hello. Why haven't I known you all my life.

I have to be honest with you. I was drunk by noon so the whole day was kind of a blur with some particular moments sticking out in my mind. It's hard for me to form a cohesive thought under normal circumstances so trying to come up with a cohesive narrative for Saturday is like asking Colin Farrell to take a shower-it's just not going to happen.

Here are the things I remember most:

- OSU kicking ass. Not once was I nervous that we wouldn't win. I don't know why, but I was very relaxed. It might have had something to do with all the Bacardi Breezers and Downhome Punch running through my veins.

- Within an hour of being at the tailgate, Steph got molested. Here it is in her words: "He stuffed his tongue down my throat within the first hour of the tailgate. Then later he straddled my lap, licked my neck, tried to kiss me and when I turned my head gave me razor burn all over my face and then decided to take off my boot so I could have a foot massage in the RV parking lot. When it was time to go, he had his hand wrapped in my belt to the point that Bob had to pry him off, finger by finger." What a catch! This same person made me drink scotch later on in the night, and as soon as it went down it tried to come back up again. I am truly a disappointment to my father who loves scotch like I love Salt and Vinegar Pringles. He always wanted his girls to do 3 things: drive stickshift, ski and drink scotch. I can do 2 out of the 3. I hope that's good enough, Dad. You still have hope with Diane because she can sip scotch without immediately vomiting. And that's what every father wants for his daughter.

- In the afternoon we walked around near the stadium and it was madness. Some guy walking by Steph handed her his OSU jacket to keep. He said, "Here you go. You can have this." He just gave her his jacket. Upon hearing this story one of her friends was prompted to say, "Do you just walk around with one of your breasts hanging out? Is that how this stuff happens to you?" Truth be told she does not. Though can you imagine what would happen if she did. She could probably quit her job and never have to worry about money again. Men would just buy her everything she needs.

- At one point I was talking to Paul and Matt, and I doubled over in laughter and spilled my full drink all over some little kids. Paul had to cross his legs to keep from peeing his pants.

- In the RV, Drew, Tony and I started talking to this girl we didn't know. Drew and I immediately went into wingman mode, and we were AWESOME. You have never seen wingmaning done with so much deftness. At first I stumbled when she asked how old Tony was and I said 35 as a joke (he has some grey hair). But I quickly recovered, peppering the conversation with great facts about Tony. At one point he left to go to the bathroom and Drew and I started talking about his job. I started gushing about how mysterious and important it was. Listen I don't want to brag, but I was a master. It was as if I was doing exactly what I was born to do: trying to get Tony some action. Truthfully he doesn't really need anyone's help in that arena, but in this case I think Drew and I proved invaluable because a little while later they were making out in the kitchen of the RV in front of everyone. Something else happened in front of everyone that we all missed, but I will not mention it here because it is highly inappropriate. All I'll say is FB.

- On the way back to the car we had to run across the street. Since there was a break in the cars, we took the opportunity and all started running. Suddenly Diane yelled "Curb!" and Bob was flying through the air. He landed hard, sprawled out on his hands and knees. About 5 seconds later, Carrie (Bob's wife) was on the ground on her side. There was a concrete median in the middle of the road, and the only two people who didn't see it were Bob and Carrie, the drunkest couple of them all. I just remember Meg dragging Carrie on the ground by one arm trying to get her out of the street so she wouldn't get run over. And while I probably should have been more scared, I literally couldn't stop laughing. However, just so you don't think I am a horrible person, the cars were pretty far away, and I don't think they were in any real danger. Although laughing at my friends who are bleeding from the knees and can't walk without limping doesn't really make me a nice person, does it. So be it. It was really funny.

- Perhaps my favorite story of the trip is one I didn't witness but heard about just yesterday. Paul, Jen, Tony, Matt, Drew and Gordon went out later on that night. Tony passed out in the car on the way there so they dropped him off at their friend's house rather than waking him up. At 4am he woke up not sure of where he was. He walked out into the living room and saw Matt sleeping on the ground. He went over by him, made himself a little bed and went to sleep. A couple hours later he woke up and Matt was spooning him. He was confused but was too drunk to deal with it so he just went back to sleep. A little while later he woke up again, and Matt was closer and he could tell that Matt was staring at him intently. Tony thought, 'Okay, Matt, I mean I guess it's okay if we cuddle but I'm not going to kiss you.' He spent the next several minutes very uncomfortable and finally was able to roll away. The next morning he woke up and Matt was gone. He told Paul and Jen what happened and how freaked out he was, and they said, "Matt's not even here. He slept at Kurt's house." Yes. Tony spooned and almost made out with a guy he didn't know. I am not doing this story justice in any way, but trust me when I say it was one of the funniest stories I've ever heard.

- Bob called a Blackberry a Cranberry. I know this doesn't seem funny, but I laughed about it for 20 minutes.

I can't leave the E! Online site

I'm supposed to be blogging about tailgating at Ohio State, but I'm having trouble starting. I'll work on that tonight. Also, let's be honest, I'm having trouble seeing past the fact that Katie actually married Tom. I feel like we've lost her completely now. Have you seen pictures of her? She is a shell of her former self. The Joey Potter we all knew and loved is gone, and this pretty cyborg has taken her place. So sad.

I realize I haven't mentioned the Britney and K-Fed divorce, but that's because I lived by the motto: "Nothing is certain in life except death and taxes and Britney is going to divorce K-Fed someday." Seriously. This isn't news. It's what was supposed to happen. If it's true K-Fed found out via text message, that only makes it all the better because of course Britney would dump him via text message. She's a perpetual 12 year old. That's what you do when you're 12-you write a note. Ah Britney, come back to us now please. I need more songs like "Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman".

Um you guys should watch the video of Kramer from Seinfeld at one of his stand up gigs going on a racist tirade. He got heckled by some black guys and lost his effing mind. It's insane. Who does he think he is-Mel Gibson? He forgot one key element-he didn't call anyone 'sugartits'. I'm sure it was just an oversight, but it was a costly one if he is trying to one-up Mel. Better luck next time, Kramer.

Thursday shows

*Disclaimer: Don't read if you haven't watched the shows last night.*

The Office
Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit. I was so sad last night with the Pam and Jim stuff. She was so excited he was back and was expecting to slip back into the same routine, and he was so uncomfortable and it was so awkward and oh my God it was awful. At the end he told her he was seeing someone-is that true? I didn't realize he and Karen were an item. Was he just saying that? Then when she said, "That's great. We're friends. We'll always be friends." his reaction was weird. I'm not sure what he expected her to say after he told her he was with someone else. It was just so realistic and so horrible. Sarah is sad.

However, the scenes with Andy and Dwight were more than I could have ever wanted. I knew they would either become best friends or enemies, and I was hoping for enemies. Holy crap-genius. Genius!!! And I love the fact that Michael loves Andy. When Jim saw them being friends he gave the camera a look like, "Seems about right." I don't think I can talk about the Night at the Roxbury scene without soiling my underpants so I'll just say that it was one of the best things I've seen on television ever. Um also...World's Best Dad.

Grey's
I thought Grey's was excellent last night. Poor Meredith's mother. Getting left by the same man all over again. Did you see Meredith's face when the chief told her he couldn't go see her mother anymore. I kept thinking that she must be absolutely furious and terrified to have to tell her and sad for her and yet this guy's her boss so what can she say to him.

The stuff with George's dad was just so incredibly sad. Every time George was on screen last night I was in tears. When he was trying to tell his dad that he had cancer but couldn't do it so he looked at Christina and just silently pleaded with her to tell him, it was too much for me. Heartwrenching. And of course I was crying when Christina told George's dad that he was the best intern and a great man. Which is totally true and one of the reasons I still love this show: at the beginning of the series George is nervous and insecure in his abilities, but throughout the show he is slowly becoming an absolutely wonderful and confident doctor. It's fantastic.

The scenes with Izzie and Alex were great. It's nice to see Izzie have fun again and Alex be human. And he didn't turn into a jerk when she told him she couldn't be with him right now. Okay really she said she couldn't be with him. I added the "right now" as wishful thinking. My point is, he didn't turn into an ahole when he got rejected which is, I think, how Alex normally would have reacted. Instead he understood and he made it okay and safe for her to still count on him as a friend. Our babies are growing up, you guys. Next week looks totally intense. If that scene where blood explodes all over Christina is George's dad I will lose my mind.

My Name is Earl
Okay so not everyone watches this show, and I didn't see last night's episode yet, but I just have to mention that last week I think I saw what I thought was one of the funniest lines on television. Earl is showing his brother Randy this mixed CD that a girl made for him, and he's complaining that it sends mixed messages about how she feels about him.

Earl: "I can't tell what it is she's trying to say here."
Randy: "I know-George Michael with Tom Petty? I mean are we partying or just hanging out?"

Maybe you had to see it, but pop literally came out of my nose. And Russ, the Mr. Roboto and Time After Time scenes were absolutely hysterical. I am loving this show more and more every week.

The Office is Super Sized tonight. FYI.

Hey, did you guys see Lost last night?? Oh wait...

Happy Birthday to all my November babies! You're all old.

To those of you that were at Danielle's on Saturday: I'm sorry if you had to see me on my knees in Danielle's kitchen lip synching to JoJo and/or had to listen to me sing karaoke inserting Diane's name into every song just to piss her off because she wanted to leave. Drew, you singing "On Bended Knee" may have been the greatest moment ever.

Um...Jim and Pam: Reunited tonight. I'm freaking out. By the way, last week's episode was amazing. Dwight and Michael chest pumping at the end had me in tears. I will say I thought it was sweet how when Michael thought the branch was closing he was most upset not for himself but for the people in his office and because he thought he was losing his friends. I thought it was a great little character development. It came up again when Jim made the comment in reference to his new boss leaving, "Say what you will about Michael Scott, but he would never do that." Michael's an effing moron, but he's not an asshole. Also, two weeks ago-Jim getting on his bike and immediately falling into the bushes was amazing. Let's all cross our fingers that crazy guy at Jim's new office who calls him Big Tuna comes to Scranton. I need to see him and Dwight interact. I need it.

I got a new cell phone last night. I can't stop playing with it. I consider myself fiscally irresponsible, and last night was proof of that. I walked into the store determined of several things:

1. I was not going to stay more than 30 minutes.
2. I was there only for information gathering. I was only going to ask questions, not get a phone.
3. If by some chance I did get a phone, I was not going to go over the $100 credit I had. This, I was sure, would be the easiest of the three. I mean all I needed was a regular phone.

Here, in a nutshell, is what transpired last night:

Him: "So can I help you?"
Me: "Okay so here's the deal. I want a new phone. The reason I want a new phone is because I want to be able to download ringers that are the real songs rather than ringers that sound like someone created them in their parents' basement on a Casio."
Him: "Oookaaay..."
Me: "Um also I have to be able to take funny pictures of my friends and send them to people."
Him: "Okay well this phone you're standing by does that."
Me: "Yeah this is the one my sister has. Can I get real ringers on it?"
Him: "Yes. Also you can get [insert sales pitch of all the wonderful accessories available with this phone]."
Me: "No thank you, sir. I have $100 credit toward a phone and will not be going over that!"

I left an hour and a half later after spending an extra $100 on Bluetooth technology. What? Hands free? I don't even need hands free. I make fun of people with hands free. Now I am one? It was $60 for the basic headset, a car charger and a case. But I spent $80. Why? Because I wanted the blue one. Seriously. $20 for a color. Then I spent an extra $10 just to not have to mail in a rebate form for the phone. That is how lazy I am. When I got into the car afterwards I was like, 'What the hell just happened? I miserably failed at all 3 of my goals tonight.' But my new phone is awesome. I'm just trying to decide what ringtone to download first. Any suggestions?

P.S. My dad ended up paying the extra $20 for the blue headset as an early birthday present to me. What a jerk.

We are not the champions

Well, I know you're all wondering so I'll tell you: Our football team, Yes I'm Still Drunk, did not make it further than round one of the playoffs. I'm sorry for all of you that put your hopes and dreams and any large wagers on the success of our team. We went 5-3 in our regular season this time. That, compared to other seasons, is a miracle. We suck. We never win. But for some reason we did well this season. Who are we, the Saints?

Saturday was round one of the playoffs where, as I already mentioned, we did not win. It really wouldn't have mattered anyway because we were going to forfeit next week to go tailgating at Ohio State. How we weren't able to pull it together to bring home a W with this level of commitment is a mystery. But all was not lost-Diane did get in a fight and punch a girl. It was fantastic. I normally don't condone violence as a means of solving problems between two people unless those two people are Jack and BenHenry, but this girl really had it coming. I'll just say that Diane ended up with scratches, a headache and a fat lip during the course of normal play. During recreation football. Not. Cool. Listen up, girl who looks young from behind but is actually very old, you're a hor-bitch, and I hope next week someone clotheslines your sorry ass.

Other highlights:
- During a huddle, Drew pointed to Gordo's crotch and said, "Look at Gordo's penis." And Gerbs said, "I'm not getting in the huddle anymore."
- At the bar afterward, somehow through a series of events I don't fully understand, these two phrases ended up written on the window in the steam:

"Steph wants to get lucky."
"Christy wants cock."

Two guys walked up to our group, looked at the window and this conversation took place:
2 Guys: "So which ones are Steph and Christy?"
S&C: "We are."
2G: "Great. We like baby seals, walks in the park and listening."

Hi. Best. Pickup line. Ever.

February? Seriously!?

*Don't read if you didn't watch Lost last night.*

Lost was amazing and infuriating last night. I just cannot deal with Kate and Sawyer. I really can't. Did you see Jack's face when they brought Kate in to see him? Did you see it!? He was so happy. He loves her. That exchange between them was so lovely. When she asked him how he was doing and he smiled and said, "I'm great." and it was so obvious that the words that he wanted to say next but didn't were "Now that you're here". I was a puddle of goo.

Oh man then his face when he saw her and Sawyer together. I could hear his heart breaking through the television. And he decided to do the surgery-just for her. And now he's threatening to kill BenHenry-for her. I mean there is no way The Others will let him go after this. Even if he saves BenHenry, the fact that he pulled this stunt has pretty much sealed his fate with them, and he knows that. But he's still doing it. It's all for Kate. Oh my God he's so in love with her I can't stand it. Damn you, Kate! Damn you, Lost writers!

Best Boo-ya Moment of 2006:
Jack tells BenHenry he won't do the surgery.

BenHenry: Well, Jack, I'm disappointed in your decision.
Jack: Well, Ben, at least you won't have to be disappointed for long.

Oh no he didn't! Awesome.

I don't think I can wait until February. Seriously.

Go vote today. They give you stickers.

- Someone got to my blog the other day by searching on "pooping my pants"

- So how severe do you think my punishment would be if, hypothetically, it was discovered I was watching TV shows on the Internet at work? Hypothetically. Nothing about this question is based in reality or should suggest to you that this is an activity I partake in in any way. I'm just asking, out of curiosity, what would happen if my boss caught me watching online episodes of The Office or Jericho. Hmm? [Insert nervous laughter here]

- So Bob Barker is finally retiring. I think he has to or else CBS risks him dying on live television. I notice that his birthday is very close to mine. We are turning roughly the same age this year.

- There's a new girl who sits in the cube in front of me at work. I walked in this morning giving off the "don't effing talk to me" vibe as usual, and I was setting up my laptop when her head popped over the wall, and she said in a loud upbeat voice, "Hello! Good morning!! My name's Linda!*" Holy crap, Linda. Do you not know what time it is. Nobody is supposed to talk to me until after, like, lunch. Especially when they are cheerful like you. Didn't you see me ignore G when he said hi to me? And he is my own co-worker. Oh well. She's new. She didn't know, you guys. She seems really, really nice. It's too bad I'll have to destroy her.

- Does it make me a bad citizen if I went to vote today and there were about 35 things on the ballot and I voted on, like, 8? If I don't know who someone is or what something's about, I just don't vote on it. I really wish I could write in my own choices for those ones:

• Yes
• No
• WTF

*Not her real name.

Halloween 2006

So I didn't tell anyone about my Halloween this year. Maybe that's because I was drunk for most of it. Thursday we had pumpkin carving at Danielle's house. There were only five of us there-four participating (Sharda's lame). Here is the final product:



















From left to right: Danielle, Diane, me, Meg, Meg

Danielle carved that mouth freehand and in like 20 milliseconds. You can't really see Meg's first one, and that's because it's not a real pumpkin. It's some kind of fake pumpkin you can buy at a craft store and carve it. That's just utterly ridiculous, but it worked nonetheless. However, we wouldn't let her put a real candle in it. Halloween's fun but not when your house is on fire. You can't really tell what Diane's is from this picture. She missed out last year so she dove in this year and was a little too overzealous. It's some kind of pattern of like 7 pumpkin faces within a pumpkin. It took her 3 times as long as every once else. I tried to remind her of our family motto (Aim Lower), but she wouldn't listen. By the way that's not really our family motto. My parents would not be happy with me if they thought I told the whole Internet that they encouraged us to always set our goals for the bare minimum. No that's just my motto. I came up with it on my own when I realized I was a lazy piece of crap.

The other significant thing about this night was that I baked a pumpkin spice cake...and NOTHING CAUGHT ON FIRE! I know-it's a miracle. It was actually pretty good, and it went over well with the boys the next night. So you see, I am not completely useless as previously thought.

Friday we went to a party at Tara and Steve's where I told everyone I was not going to drink then proceeded to get completely smashed and yell "You jackin' it?" over and over to this kid who came dressed as Carl Monday. Unfortunately for me (and him), he hadn't seen The Daily Show clip I was referencing. That really didn't stop me, though. D and I dressed as...oh man. I really don't even want to tell you it's so lame. Okay we went dressed as Vulcans. From Star Trek. Seriously. See we went to the costume store to find costumes and couldn't find anything but these stupid Star Trek shirts. The comfort of such a costume was overwhelmingly appealing to us (the tops were fleece) so we bought these vulcan ears that were bright orange and just went for it. It was ridiculous. Though the ears were funny.

Saturday night we went to ALoyd's house for his annual party dressed as ourselves from high school. Diane had on her volleyball jersey, warmup pants, ribbon made of our high school colors in her ponytail and prom queen tiara. She was all self conscious about the crown thinking people would think she was being a snob, but we convinced her to wear it. Then we called her a snob for rubbing it in our faces.

I was sporting my Strongsville Mustangs t-shirt and ever present flannel. I had one in my closet that Diane had tried to get rid of, but I took it back without her noticing. I also braided my hair when it was wet and let it sit all day so it would look like I had a perm and then I put it up in a scrunchie. And also...okay it's confession time. For my freshman and sophomore year, I had a tail. A tail, you guys. From behind my right ear. I was not the only one-all my friends got them, too. Though it's true-I hung onto mine a little bit longer than everyone else. I used to braid it and PUT BEADS AT THE BOTTOM. Holy crap, how did I even have boyfriends? Anyway on Saturday I recreated the tail, and I have to say-taking it out was hard. Then I remembered the episode of "Friends" when Monica gets braids all over her hair, and I realized it was a slippery slope so for the second time in 13 years (holy shit), I let go of the tail.

The only thing inaccurate about my outfit was that in high school I wore sandals everyday. It didn't matter what the weather was, it was always sandals. On Saturday, in my advancing age, I thought to myself, 'You were a fucking moron in high school (tail). No need to recreate that.' so I wore tennis shoes. Then D and I topped off our outfits with some buttons with our pictures on them and our letter jackets. Then they played "Hey Jealousy" at the party, and my costume was complete. I was me in high school. Only incredibly more drunk.

And just a couple notes on trick or treating:
- I am scared of junior high and high school kids.
- One kid called Diane ma'am.

I hope everyone had a happy Halloween!